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"My wife has told me that many times--stop trying to show me how things aren't that bad and just listen, she tells me."
I realize this is relatively trivial, given your friend's dire situation and the generous spirit you have shown.
but 1) this thread could use a diversion as well and
2) assuming you and your wife are cooped up in this COVID-19 era, this observation hopefully could pretty valuable to you and others who find your scenario mystifying (which I can totally appreciate!).
back in the 1990s, I found the bulk of the info in those "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books to be blather.
that said, there were a couple of valuable insights here and there (one I remember was helpful to women who tend to not grasp how badly men need to be seen as competent by their mates. kind of primal. that's why many men tend to react so badly to those sort of insults, even the mild ones. it doesn't excuse subsequent withdrawing, infidelity- and especially not violent verbal or physical responses, obviously. but the perspective I think is useful because many women aren't aware of the intensity of this phenomenon).
now more to your situation:
(blanket disclaimer that yes this is an overgeneralization and maybe a poster reading this has a gal who isn't like this at all yada yada yada.)
when the typical husband comes home and says, "I can't take it anymore - I'm quitting my job tomorrow."
what he means by that is, "I'm quitting my job tomorrow."
when many wives come home and say the same thing, what she means by that is, "I'm so upset that I have to verbalize the most extreme response, to learn how I feel about it."
the example in the book, as silly as it might sound, I found useful. hubby goes to the store and buys clothes, and he may not even try them on. and even if he does, in his mind the sale is final. if it turns out to be a mediocre fit, well, then it is demoted to the back end of clothing options (that's me!).
wife goes to the store, she enjoys trying on a lot of potential outfits and she pictures herself wearing one to work, one to dinner, one to a social gathering (back when those existed), and so on. note that even the purchase of the items is not nearly a final decision - she's quite liable to take it back for a refund within a day or two because she changed her mind.
this also gets to the dreaded "Does this outfit make me look fat?" question. notice that the "of course not, dear" likely is accepted and in fact likely ignored - because it's all part of a process.
so when your wife is describing a distressing situation to you, she is merely in the middle of that process of finding a solution. that's why efforts to offer a final solution seem so oddly resisted (to us).
the husband plays out the whole thing in his mind first, THEN informs his wife. all sales final. but she plays things out a lot differently.
that's why - and you've probably seen this the times that you have gone against your better instinct and just nodded a lot - it can be surprising how much biting your tongue is so gratefully received, and so quickly.
now don't ask me WHY they do it that way - I have no idea. but that's what they do.
enjoy the quarantine, fellas!
I realize this is relatively trivial, given your friend's dire situation and the generous spirit you have shown.
but 1) this thread could use a diversion as well and
2) assuming you and your wife are cooped up in this COVID-19 era, this observation hopefully could pretty valuable to you and others who find your scenario mystifying (which I can totally appreciate!).
back in the 1990s, I found the bulk of the info in those "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" books to be blather.
that said, there were a couple of valuable insights here and there (one I remember was helpful to women who tend to not grasp how badly men need to be seen as competent by their mates. kind of primal. that's why many men tend to react so badly to those sort of insults, even the mild ones. it doesn't excuse subsequent withdrawing, infidelity- and especially not violent verbal or physical responses, obviously. but the perspective I think is useful because many women aren't aware of the intensity of this phenomenon).
now more to your situation:
(blanket disclaimer that yes this is an overgeneralization and maybe a poster reading this has a gal who isn't like this at all yada yada yada.)
when the typical husband comes home and says, "I can't take it anymore - I'm quitting my job tomorrow."
what he means by that is, "I'm quitting my job tomorrow."
when many wives come home and say the same thing, what she means by that is, "I'm so upset that I have to verbalize the most extreme response, to learn how I feel about it."
the example in the book, as silly as it might sound, I found useful. hubby goes to the store and buys clothes, and he may not even try them on. and even if he does, in his mind the sale is final. if it turns out to be a mediocre fit, well, then it is demoted to the back end of clothing options (that's me!).
wife goes to the store, she enjoys trying on a lot of potential outfits and she pictures herself wearing one to work, one to dinner, one to a social gathering (back when those existed), and so on. note that even the purchase of the items is not nearly a final decision - she's quite liable to take it back for a refund within a day or two because she changed her mind.
this also gets to the dreaded "Does this outfit make me look fat?" question. notice that the "of course not, dear" likely is accepted and in fact likely ignored - because it's all part of a process.
so when your wife is describing a distressing situation to you, she is merely in the middle of that process of finding a solution. that's why efforts to offer a final solution seem so oddly resisted (to us).
the husband plays out the whole thing in his mind first, THEN informs his wife. all sales final. but she plays things out a lot differently.
that's why - and you've probably seen this the times that you have gone against your better instinct and just nodded a lot - it can be surprising how much biting your tongue is so gratefully received, and so quickly.
now don't ask me WHY they do it that way - I have no idea. but that's what they do.
enjoy the quarantine, fellas!
- Wonderboy
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