The Adventures of Midnight Otter and Griswold: Live Woman's Chest

[Long John]

(re-post from the Movie Discussion thread. I wanted to continue the script.)

RotoJunkieFix Productions in association with Yeti Pictures is proud to present:

The Adventures of Midnight Otter and Griswold: Live Woman's Chest

Coming soon to a computer monitor near you!

Starring:
James T Kirk as Midnight Otter
Clark Griswold as Griswold
Hannibal Lecter as The Dread Pirate Long John
Elizabeth Swann as The Damsel in Distress
and
The Bride as Dominatrix Beatrix Kiddo

and introducing Long John's Lesbian Horde:
Clementine Kruczynski as Leslie
Holly Golightly as Lesley
Sugar Kane Kowalcyk as Lezleigh
Gilda Farrell as Mona
Vanessa Kensington as Mulva
and
Chris Parker as Delores

special guest appearance by
Santanico Pandemonium as herself


Opening Scene: Long John's pirate ship, exterior day
It is a beautiful breezy sunny morning on the high seas.

As we zoom in, we see a group of women entwined with one man, The Dread Pirate Long John. Their limbs are all over the place, but everyone is fairly still. As we get closer, we see it is actually Leslie, Lesley and Mona playing a game of Twister with Long John. Dominatrix Beatrix spins the wheel just as we realize what's actually (not) happening.

Beatrix: "Wood Bleep, Green"

(all three of the women fall over)

LJ: "I win again. No surprise, of course. I am the only one on this planet with brass bleeps and a wooden bleep."

Mulva: (shouting) "Woman, ho!"

Camera turns to see Mulva from the lookout nest with a long spyglass. Her other hand is pointing in that direction. The entire crew runs to that side of the ship to get a peak except for Dominatrix Beatrix, who stays behind to ensure Delores cleans up the game of Twister. Delores is naturally disappointed.

LJ: "Arrgh! What have we got, Mulva."

Mulva: "It appears to be a young woman, no more than 23, marooned on a small island." (Mulva peers through her eyeglass again.) "And she looks to be just in a white dressing gown."

Hoots and cat calls are heard from the all-female crew.

LJ: "Good. Our first catch of the week. It's been a while since we've had some new blood aboard this vessel, eh, Dominatrix?" (Beatrix simply nods once.) "Weigh anchor! Trim the sails! Ship hard to port!" (Lezleigh yanks the ship to starboard. Long John turns to her.) "Your other port, you blasted blonde bombshell! Keep that nonsense up and I'll separate you from the crew for the rest of the voyage. You can come live in my cabin where protection is always my option and sandpaper is not allowed!" (turns back to the crew) "Prepare the shore boats! And, Mona!" Mona turns to him. "Fetch me a cool glass of that fabulous farmhouse ale in the cask in the galley."

Mona: "You do hate me, don't you, Johnny?"

LJ: "I don't hate you, Mona. I just want that fantastic ale against my parched lips in a moment approaching very soon." Mona scurries off to comply.

Mulva: "Captain! It appears as if our damsel in distress is building a rather large fire."

LJ: "Bah. Mulva, get down here." (She complies. LJ turns to Beatrix.) "Beatrix, my dear, take Leslie, Lesley and Mulva ashore and see if we can't ... examine our new young friend." (She turns to go. LJ pauses.) "And, Beatrix?" (She turns to him.) "We need her alive for now."

Beatrix: "It's your baby." (And walks towards a shore boat.)

... to be continued...

[Long John]

Mona returns from below deck with a tulip glass filled with a golden farmhouse ale with a 1 inch thick white fluffy head. Long John admires both the beer and the server longingly.

LJ: "Once again, Mona, you provide a flawless pour and wonderful head." (Mona nods in appreciation.) "Allow me to repay your kindness. Why don't you go get Delores from her quarters? I think she's missed enough fun to realize her folly of serving an Oude Gueuze in a pilsner glass. Take your time if you like. I need the two of you back up here when the shore boat returns with our new friend."

Mona: "You're the best, Johnny." (She breaks into a near full sprint across the deck to go spend time with Delores in her quarters.)

LJ: (to himself) "I hate when she calls me Johnny."

------

Cut to exterior day, ocean, on the shore boat. Leslie and Lesley are at the oars with Dominatrix Beatrix at the bow, waiting impatiently to get to shore. Mulva is at the stern, steering the rudder.

Beatrix: "Faster you little twits or you will taste the heel of my boot!"

Leslie and Lesley: "Yes, mistress!" (and they pick up the pace.)

Mulva: "Mistress? Do you think the Captain will let us keep this one?"

Beatrix: "It is not for me to decide. It really all depends on how hungry he is for liver."

Mulva: (Disappointed.) "I know, I know. That ice in the bathtub trick really doesn't work, does it?"

Beatrix merely glares at her in annoyance.

-----

Cut to exterior, island, day. The sun is blazing and it is still rising to its peak. We see a Damsel in Distress throwing casks of rum on to a fire that is just starting to grow increasingly higher. She pauses to see the shore boat fast approaching with four women aboard, one who looks incredibly menacing and clearly is in charge. She ignores them and returns to her task, talking to herself.

Damsel: "I can't believe that scoundrel Jack Sparrow slipped away on the backs of tortoises using his own hair as a rope in the middle of the night! Thank God I tricked him in to thinking there was no more rum. He was an unbearable drunk."

The Dread Pirate Long John's crew, led by Dominatrix Beatrix, lands on the shore, about 100 yards away. They fan out in a line and start walking toward The Damsel in lock-step. All but Beatrix are clothed in half shirts and Daisy Dukes, causing The Damsel to look at them cautiously. At 50 yards, Beatrix draws her sword and The Damsel starts to think about what their intent might be. When they are about 30 yards away, The Damsel starts shouting.

Damsel: "That smoke signal is over 1000 feet high! Every ship in the Royal Navy is combing the Caribbean looking for me! Give it an hour, maybe two, keep your eye glued to that horizon, and you will see white sails!"

Leslie (to others): "Great. A looney. Don't worry. I can erase her memory."

... to be continued ...

[Long John]

Bound at the ankles and wrists, The Damsel sits in the skiff looking both perplexed and concerned, her white dressing gown soaked with sea water. Dominatrix Beatrix stands just on the shore watching both her prey and her captain's crew working furiously to put out the rum-cask fire that the Damsel started.

With the fire now under control, they head back to the ship at an uneven pace. Leslie and Lesley are starting to wear down from all the activity and Mulva is forced to rotate in at the oars to keep the boat moving. With only half the distance covered, Dominatrix Beatrix is fed up and takes both the oars herself, rowing the entire ensemble back to the ship. She is not pleased.


-----

Cut to interior ship, day. Lezleigh is walking along the hallway, having been sent to retrieve Mona and Delores from the latter's quarters. As she approaches, we hear a crescendo of loud moaning and screaming. As Lezleigh gets to Delores' door, the commotion dies down. She knocks softly and is heard.

Delores: (breathless) "Come on in."

Lezleigh opens the door to see Delores and Mona holding each other close in bed.

Mona: "You're just in time, sweetie. We could use some new energy."

Lezleigh: (pouting) "Don't I wish! I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop! LJ sent me down to bring you above deck. The rest of the girls are back and the new girl is with them."

Delores: (nudging Mona) "Well then there's our new energy."

Lezleigh: "Hey! I get first dibs. You two have already had some fun today."

Delores: (lets the sheet drop off her as she rises to glare at Lezleigh only inches from her face) "Don't f*$& with the Treasure-Sitter."

Mona opens up the window, letting a fresh ocean breeze in. With the door open, a wind tunnel is created blowing Lezleigh's dress straight up. She reacts quickly and covers her nether regions, but we see every inch of her spectacular legs. Mona and Delores suppress giggles as Lezleigh harumphs and storms out. They get dressed and head up to the main deck.

... to be continued ...

[Long John]

-----

Fade in, interior of Midnight Otter's den, Mein Holt. There is plenty of light, more of a glow than anything, but it's source is undetermined. MO and Gris are standing on a sturdy wooden dock. A road leading towards the darker rear of the cave is behind them and the Gris-mobile can be seen a few paces away. This is the classic Griswold family station wagon, but modified for superhero use. A simple sloop is roped to the dock and it appears as if our dynamic duo have just returned from a quick sail, although Griswold is soaking wet.

Gris: "All I'm saying is that you didn't have to turn that quickly. You had plenty of time."

MO: "Are you kidding? Do you realize what the average water speed of a pygmy three-toed sloth is?! Look. All I'm saying is that there's a reason you don't see them competing in the Olympics."

Gris: "Because they aren't human?"

MO: "No! Because everyone knows they're too fast in the water. They've been banned, man."

Gris: "Wow. Hey, just my disbelief."

Just then the red light on the Otter-phone starts flashing. Simultaneously, Griswold checks his pager, reads a text on his cell phone and then lets a carrier pigeon land on him to deliver a message. He looks at the message from the carrier pigeon with a sense of perplexity.

MO: (hangs up) "That was the governor."

Gris: "Did you give him 'harumph'?"

MO: "Of course! His daughter is missing and is believed to be somewhere in the Caribbean."

Gris: "I got the same message on my pager and my cell phone."

MO: "What about the pigeon?"

Gris: "Yeah, that. The most peculiar thing. It said, "You were great in 'Three to Tango'."

MO: "What the hell is 'Three to Tango'?"

Gris: "Beats me."

MO: "We can figure it out on the way. Come on! I'll drive!"

Gris: "Oh no you don't. After that little incident in the boat, I'm driving."

MO shrugs and they both jump in the Gris-mobile. Gris floors it towards the back of the cave. The wings spread and the wall of the cave opens to reveal an exit just wide enough for the Gris-mobile.

MO: "Pretty cool how we do that without ever crashing."

Gris: "Hey, just my perfect driving."

MO: (rolls his eyes) "Oh brother."

... to be continued ...

[Steve]

There IS no Gris-mobile. It's the Ottermobile. It was made out of a 65 Ford Mustang. SHEESH

[Long John]

There IS no Gris-mobile. It's the Ottermobile. It was made out of a 65 Ford Mustang. SHEESH

Author's note: While I'm well aware of the history of the Ottermobile, I took the license of not making it currently available to MO and Gris. My logic was that I was creating the "bat cave" for the dynamic duo and that a den was a natural habitat for an otter, hence the Mein Holt. Since MO was getting the cave, Gris needed to bring something to the table. Ride around in the station wagon with wings and enjoy, my friend.

Our story will continue in a bit.

[Long John]

-----

Cut to exterior, Long John's pirate ship, ocean, afternoon. The whole crew is assembled on deck to get an eyeful of the latest visitor to the deck of The Wood & Brass, save Lesley, who has taken Mulva's spot in the crow's nest as lookout. In classic fashion, The Damsel is tied to the main mast with a long cord of rope, leaving north of her chest and south of her knees exposed. She struggles a bit to test the strength of the knots, but to no avail.

Damsel: "Let. Me. Go."

LJ: "Now why would we do that when we just took all the trouble to tie you up?"

Damsel: (puzzled, she pauses) "Because I asked?"

LJ: "No. First I must decide if I'm going to eat your liver with some black beans and rice and a nice sahti." (He makes his trademark quick slurping sounds.)

Damsel: "Well that's pretty rancid. Do you realize the risk for organisms and bacteria just by taking one bite of human liver?"

LJ: "I'm not a complete moron. I'm going to cook it first."

Damsel: "Still. Anthropophagy is not a culturally or socially acceptable practice in the civilized world."

LJ: "I grow tired of your intelligent parlay." (turns to Beatrix) "Show her what happens when I grow tired."

Beatrix nods and produces a lengthy cat o' nine tails and cracks it in the air once for show. The Damsel gulps and cowers a bit. Leslie and Mulva get giddy and start jumping up and down, smiling in delight. In the distance, a flash bang and an engine revving is heard.

Lesley: "Flying car off the starboard bow!"

LJ: (to himself, but loudly, despising the interruption) "What IS it?!"

Lesley: "It appears to be a modified 1980s Ford LTD Country Squire Wagon, cap'n."

Long John rolls his eyes and everyone looks to the incoming flying wagon. Inside the Gris-mobile, Midnight Otter pushes a button that transforms the wagon into water landing mode and Griswold touches the wagon down right beside the ship. They both jump out and start climbing the ladder to the ship. Griswold stops and pushes the button to set the car alarm. Unfortunately, he pushes the panic button. The alarm starts going off and the Gris-mobile takes off on auto-pilot to return to Mein Holt unmanned. The Gris-mobile alarm is still going off as the wagon flies off into the distance.

MO: (looks down at Gris) "Really?!?!"

Gris: (shrugs) "Maybe it just went out for ice cream."

MO: "C'mon."

Midnight Otter and Griswold jump on to the main deck of The Wood & Brass. Leslie, Lezleigh, Mulva and Delores have swords already at our two heroes throats before they can even think about reaching for a weapon. MO & Gris put their hands up.

MO: (smiles) "Ladies. It's... been some time since I've had to... conquer the enemy with love."

Leslie: "Why are you talking weird?"

MO: "What. This is... how I talk."

Leslie: "How come you can't finish a sentence without pausing halfway through? I'm just saying. It's really annoying."

MO: "Tough crowd. It... worked for the women on Carthon 3, but..."

Leslie: "Yeah. Save it."

During this exchange, Mulva has been looking long and hard at Griswold.

Mulva: "Didn't we do a movie together?"

Griswold: (looks around, then checks his wrist for a watch that isn't there) "Me?"

Mulva: "Yeah. Was it Serving Sara?"

Griswold: "I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mulva shrugs and lets it go. Long John walks over and enters the circle between Lezleigh and Mulva.

LJ: "Hello, boys. It's been some time."

... to be continued ...