I Wish My Mother Would Just Die Already

[senorsheep]

In fact, if I had a way to kill her legally, I'd be on a plane tomorrow to do it. For real. I really would.

I just got back home from seeing the family in the Midwest. My mom has severe Alzheimer's. Her mind is completely destroyed. She doesn't know who I am anymore. She doesn't know anybody or anything anymore. She can't do anything for herself. The woman who loved me and raised me is gone, and the shambling, angry, confused mess that remains is a grotesque mockery of who she was. I hate what she has become. She would have hated what she has become. She would never have wanted to exist like this. I don't want her to exist like this. I never want to exist like this. If this is to be my fate, I sincerely hope that society will have advanced to the point that I can end my life with grace, on my terms.

Thoughts?

[Fresno Bob]

I feel for you senor, this is something that we are increasingly going to have to face as our parents/partners age. I've made it very clear to my family that in no way are they to spend anything significant to keep me alive if I'm terminally ill or lost in dementia.

[Judge Jude]

my condolences.

I am the luckiest man on the face of the Earth there.

my Mom was 72 in 1995 (my parents were really old when I was born; I am 57), and we were pleasantly surprised she lived so long, given her various ailments. she had a nice bounce back phase, but once it started going downhill, she philosophically wrote the check and left the restaurant, so to speak. Irish most of all dread "being a burden."

my Dad lived 15 years longer, to age 92 in 2010. still lived independently, drove, etc. last time I saw him, he said he was glad I came because - ever the gentleman - he said he knew I could better entertain his female dining companion of that day. he was a quiet man (unlike me), and I could see the relief on his face. she told me my Dad was being silly - he was sharper than almost all of the other men there (which was true).

then he got put into the "assisted care" wing of the adult community. he paced the room like one of those tigers in a bad zoo. he even tried to sneak out - not confused - just wanted out. one of my sisters and I noted that we knew where this was going, and sure enough in a few days he was gone.

in a just world, everybody - parents and their children - would get those scenarios.

[DMT]

That is awful, Alzheimer's/dementia is one of my true fears. I too have made it clear to my wife that I'll be checking out one way or another before I ever get to that point.

[Sour Masher]

Yeah, short of evidence of a cure/reversal on the horizon as a mitigating factor that I think could override such a decision made years earlier, I believe people should he able to make their own decision about their deaths when faced with such conditions. Our society infantilizes us by not allowing us to make such decisions.

Of course, that doesn't help the family in cases where someone may choose to want to keep living even if their mind is completely gone, but I think the vast majority if us would give the okay to off us if we ever got to that point.

[onejayhawk]

My mother died in '05 after three years of cancer. She was ready to go long before the rest of the family was ready to allow it. They say we have the right to make our own medical decisions, but that gets fuzzy when family pressure is involved.

J

[TranaGreg]

My dad had Alzheimer's for 13 years. In the last few I felt the same as you, knowing that there no way that he was ever going to be coherent again. He did have moments of pleasure but they were so few and were gone in an instant... I too would have killed my dad towards the end if there was a way. And I think my mother would have supported it (tho my sister wouldn't have).

The worst were the occasional dreams I would have at the time that he somehow miraculously recovered. Actually they were the best and the worst.

[Judge Jude]

this strikes me as the most tragic - and unifying - thread that we have these days here.

[cardboardbox]

thats really sad, how old is your mom?

[Teenwolf]

We have an assisted dying law in Canada, but I believe the requirements to meet the program standards are tough. But if people were given the option upon initial dementia/ alzheimer's diagnosis I'm sure a lot would sign up.

[B-Fly]

I'm sorry for your pain. I agree with you that living in that psychological/medical state probably isn't in the best interest of your mother, her family, or society, yet we reasonably worry about how to establish the parameters around assisted dying, particularly if/when there are not clearly applicable advanced directives executed by the person prior to their mental incapacity.

[Gregg]

In fact, if I had a way to kill her legally, I'd be on a plane tomorrow to do it. For real. I really would.

I just got back home from seeing the family in the Midwest. My mom has severe Alzheimer's. Her mind is completely destroyed. She doesn't know who I am anymore. She doesn't know anybody or anything anymore. She can't do anything for herself. The woman who loved me and raised me is gone, and the shambling, angry, confused mess that remains is a grotesque mockery of who she was. I hate what she has become. She would have hated what she has become. She would never have wanted to exist like this. I don't want her to exist like this. I never want to exist like this. If this is to be my fate, I sincerely hope that society will have advanced to the point that I can end my life with grace, on my terms.

Thoughts?

My first thought is I am so sorry that you, your Mom, and your family have to go through this.

Secondly it brings back memories of 35 years ago when I was alone with my beloved Grandmother thinking seriously of putting the pillow over her face to end her suffering from cancer. I could not do it. What if I started but chickened out in the middle? What if I completed the "kind" act. Even though I can justify it pre-act, could I really live with it afterward. I can tell myself I could handle it, but could I?

My buddy told me that he believes his Dad's hospice nurse gave him just a bit more pain medication than he could handle to end the pain and suffering. We were both grateful.

[nots]

Hey Sheep, I cant add anything, but I do want to say how sorry I am for you and your entire family. A well know Philly sportswriter, Bill Lyon, has been documenting his personal battle with Alzheimer’s over the last couple of years. I believe it has finally gotten to the point where he no longer can write about it, but it has been very gripping reading. Just a horrible, horrible disease for both the victim and the family.

[revo]

I'm very sorry for you. Terrible. A dozen years ago I had to make the decision to take my father off life support because if he had survived his sepsis from a diabetic-related surgery, he would have been relegated to a kidney transplant and constant dialysis. Even though I was pressured to do so by the rest of my family, that decision haunts me to this day. My first born son was born exactly four months later -- would he have been around to see him?

I can understand your pain and wish you the best.

[hacko]

My Dad went through the same thing with his mom. I still remember him stating that is not my mom and the relief when it was over.

He made me in charge of his plug because he knows my Mom could never do it.

You have my thoughts and prayers- always remember the good times.