Ex-Law's memorial Service

[heyelander]

My Mother ex-law died yesterday.

There was an old thread discussing how appropriate it was for me to stay connected to my ex-laws after the divorce. I remember Bob being vehemently opposed. I can't find the thread... maybe it was even on the old site.

Regardless. I have. As background, my ex and I met when we 18, first in college and were together for the next 25 years or so. Her parents were family to me the entire time. I lived with them for a while when I first came to NJ before we were married when I was going through school and was trying to get on my feet, they loaned me the money for my final year of grad school when I needed less credits than were required to get a student loan. I called them mom and dad for 20 years.

Since the divorce I stop in and visit whenever I'm in town (a few times a year) and trade Christmas cards. I still wend the niece and nephews birthday and christmas money. I'm facebook friends with most of the family, but only after they sent me invites (somehow I felt like that was an appropriate line).

I knew her mom was sick from posts from her sister and I tried calling them a few weeks back to see how she was. I managed to call at the same time she was on the line with my ex (who is now remarried and living in New Mexico) and my ex called me to give me some status updates. It was the first time we had spoken in a couple of years. (We are fine around each other, we just don't have kids, so there really isn't any reason to stay in touch.) Yesterday she called to let me know her mom had died. I asked when services were and if it would cramp her if I went. She said of course not, everyone knows how much her parents loved me and how much I loved them and that it would be fine.

She just sent me details on services... family from 10-12, service starting at 12.

What is appropriate for me to do? Am I past that already? I was thinking I should skip the family part. She has a new husband, and that's family. I just wanted to go to the service, pay my respects, give her dad a hug, and that's it. If I'm asked to do more (back to the house for a reception or whatever) I feel like I should say no...

Thoughts?

[baldgriff]

Go to the service. If you are invited - well you are invited by the family - then go. "everyone knows how much her parents loved me and how much I loved them"

[Sour Masher]

I think what your instinct is to do is the appropriate thing to do--go to the service, pay your respects. I agree that I'd fear I was intruding on anything more private/intimate than that, but I imagine, give your relationship with ex-laws, your presence at the service would be appreciated/hoped for. A service should be a testament to how much and how widely the person was loved/respected. The more people there to share and represent that, the better.

I had a somewhat similar quandary recently when a work colleague/friend died suddenly. They had a for all service for everyone, including students and co-workers, and a "friends and family" portion preceding it. I felt I was somewhere between those two groups, as we bonded over having premies at the same time, and had, on a couple of occasions met up for toddler-based activities, but for the most part, we did not socialize outside of work, and I only saw him occasionally at work. While I considered him a friend, I didn't feel I'd know him long enough or well enough to go to the first part of the services. In hindsight, I still feel that was the right call. Your situation is different, but the overall premise--of paying your respects, but not intruding into a mourning space where you may not fit, is similar.

[Judge Jude]

yeah, I think you've got this just right, heyelander. it wouldn't be particularly wrong of you to show up for the first part by any means, given the history - but sometimes less is more. you can still offer proper condolences and reminisce after the service.

I think any sane person would greatly respect the balance you are managing.

it's also nice that your ex didn't even ask you not to come early - shows she respects you, at a difficult time. should be a sad, but ultimately uplifting, experience.

[Redbirds Fan]

It sounds like you believe deep down it is the right thing.

Go. Honor the relationship that lasted for so many years. Show respect your family. Find closure for yourself. You will be acting out of love for the departed.

[Gregg]

She said of course not, everyone knows how much her parents loved me and how much I loved them and that it would be fine.

She just sent me details on services... family from 10-12, service starting at 12.

What is appropriate for me to do? Am I past that already? I was thinking I should skip the family part. She has a new husband, and that's family. I just wanted to go to the service, pay my respects, give her dad a hug, and that's it. If I'm asked to do more (back to the house for a reception or whatever) I feel like I should say no...

Thoughts?

She sent details of the service. Was that email, text, or forwarded announcement?

You said she called so you know by the sound of her voice what the meaning expressed behind the words "of course not everyone knew..."

If she typed you the times rather than forwarded something it is pretty good indicator of her wishes. If she forwarded something (convenience) you could add that to her voice to help with the decision.

I typed those words to give you something to think about and help with your decision.

But you did ask for our thoughts so here are mine:

Go at 11:00. I base this on what you wrote.

Going at 11:00 gives the closest family members a full hour to be together and mourn before you get there. It also gives you a full hour to be with them before the service begins. The hour will go faster than you think.

If you are invited back to the house you should go if you want to. I think that should be decided at the funeral depending on how that goes.

Unfortunately, I have been to many funerals in my lifetime. I do not remember what people said, just that they were there.

Funerals are for the living. You seem like a kind thoughtful man. Show up, you will know what to do.

[hacko]

I too will be in a similar Situation some Day - From Both sides.

My Parents are still Alive as well as my Ex's parents. I am a lot closer to her Parents ( All live in the Same town) then she is to mine - but would not be upset if she attends any part of the Activities we have ( including) Family only.

I will attend her side - because as I said her parents still like me ( we usually catch up at the family get togethers (Kids and my Grandkids birthdays...). I am pretty sure I will be going with one of my Kids ( Step kids) so it will be at the Family Parts of it too . Tho I will stay in the Background. Luckily All my Ex's Brothers and Sisters Also still like me.

[Erik]

There's no chapter of the etiquette books on this. Each situation is completely different and you just have to do what feels right.

I haven't spoken to my ex in 13 years and have no idea if her parents are even still alive. But we were only married for 5 years and had no children. It's different if you spent most of your adult life with them and/or had children together.

[TranaGreg]

There's no chapter of the etiquette books on this. Each situation is completely different and you just have to do what feels right.

I haven't spoken to my ex in 13 years and have no idea if her parents are even still alive. But we were only married for 5 years and had no children. It's different if you spent most of your adult life with them and/or had children together.

agreed - your situation is similar to mine, except that we were married for 9 years (it's been 12 years); I don't know what her family's situation is either.

[Gregg]

My Mother ex-law died yesterday.

There was an old thread discussing how appropriate it was for me to stay connected to my ex-laws after the divorce. I remember Bob being vehemently opposed. I can't find the thread... maybe it was even on the old site.

Regardless. I have. As background, my ex and I met when we 18, first in college and were together for the next 25 years or so. Her parents were family to me the entire time. I lived with them for a while when I first came to NJ before we were married when I was going through school and was trying to get on my feet, they loaned me the money for my final year of grad school when I needed less credits than were required to get a student loan. I called them mom and dad for 20 years.

Since the divorce I stop in and visit whenever I'm in town (a few times a year) and trade Christmas cards. I still wend the niece and nephews birthday and christmas money. I'm facebook friends with most of the family, but only after they sent me invites (somehow I felt like that was an appropriate line).

I knew her mom was sick from posts from her sister and I tried calling them a few weeks back to see how she was. I managed to call at the same time she was on the line with my ex (who is now remarried and living in New Mexico) and my ex called me to give me some status updates. It was the first time we had spoken in a couple of years. (We are fine around each other, we just don't have kids, so there really isn't any reason to stay in touch.) Yesterday she called to let me know her mom had died. I asked when services were and if it would cramp her if I went. She said of course not, everyone knows how much her parents loved me and how much I loved them and that it would be fine.

She just sent me details on services... family from 10-12, service starting at 12.

What is appropriate for me to do? Am I past that already? I was thinking I should skip the family part. She has a new husband, and that's family. I just wanted to go to the service, pay my respects, give her dad a hug, and that's it. If I'm asked to do more (back to the house for a reception or whatever) I feel like I should say no...

Thoughts?

What did you do? How did it go?

[heyelander]

What did you do? How did it go?

i showed up about 15 minutes before the service and walked through the greeting line and paid my respects. My father-ex-law broke down when he saw me and the family was all very appreciative. My ex was very gracious and even called me out a few times when she was talking about her mom and they had included my picture in some of the montage that they had of her mother's life, so I didn't feel as much of an interloper as I was concerned I would be. the new dude and I had a couple of polite words, but kept out distance. I was going to skip out then, but my sister-ex-law insisted I go to the cemetary. I skipped out on the meal/reception after that and headed home.

I got to hug my father-ex-law and said my peace to my mother-ex-law, so it was good to have gone.

[hacko]

i showed up about 15 minutes before the service and walked through the greeting line and paid my respects. My father-ex-law broke down when he saw me and the family was all very appreciative. My ex was very gracious and even called me out a few times when she was talking about her mom and they had included my picture in some of the montage that they had of her mother's life, so I didn't feel as much of an interloper as I was concerned I would be. the new dude and I had a couple of polite words, but kept out distance. I was going to skip out then, but my sister-ex-law insisted I go to the cemetary. I skipped out on the meal/reception after that and headed home.

I got to hug my father-ex-law and said my peace to my mother-ex-law, so it was good to have gone.

I GLAD it went well. It seems pretty obvious you meant something to the family so it would have probably hurt/or been much more noticeable if you hadn't gone. I know when my brother passed it really meant something when his really close friends from the past took the time to pay their respects even tho I hadn't seen them for over 20 years.

[Gregg]

i showed up about 15 minutes before the service and walked through the greeting line and paid my respects. My father-ex-law broke down when he saw me and the family was all very appreciative. My ex was very gracious and even called me out a few times when she was talking about her mom and they had included my picture in some of the montage that they had of her mother's life, so I didn't feel as much of an interloper as I was concerned I would be. the new dude and I had a couple of polite words, but kept out distance. I was going to skip out then, but my sister-ex-law insisted I go to the cemetary. I skipped out on the meal/reception after that and headed home.

I got to hug my father-ex-law and said my peace to my mother-ex-law, so it was good to have gone.

I am glad it went well.