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Before I start..... in NO WAY am I against anybody's belief in any religion. If you want to worship Barney the Dinosaur, so be it. This story is about me, and me only.
I attended a funeral today for the stepson of my favorite brother in law. The boy was 17 years old, and died in a car crash, when he was thrown from the car without wearing a seat belt. Another boy in the car died, and a girl that was in the car got out of the hospital today. I barely knew the boy, as we never really spent much time together. But I surely felt bad for all of his living friends and relatives.
But while I was in the church, all I could feel was a total disconnect with organized religion. My mind wandered all over the place. I looked at pretty women... and had thoughts one should not have at a funeral.... I thought about some issues going on in my own family..... I thought about how I don't fit in when I go to church. I kept thinking, "please let this be over soon." And then the minute I get out of church, it was like a wave of relief.
I grew up in a Catholic family. I spent some years in a Catholic school - about 6, IIRC. I once wanted to be an alter boy.
I think of myself as somewhat spiritual, but not overly so. My personal beliefs are not at all in line with the church's mandates. When I attend church, I feel a sense of hypocrisy within me. ( Of course, I do want to support family and friends ) I never go to church for any reason except to support friends and family.
Then, as we were at the burial, the thought hits me..... As decent a person as I think I am, if there is a heaven, I'm probably not getting there.
Maybe tomorrow, all these thoughts will have disappeared, but today, they hit kind of hard.
I attended a funeral today for the stepson of my favorite brother in law. The boy was 17 years old, and died in a car crash, when he was thrown from the car without wearing a seat belt. Another boy in the car died, and a girl that was in the car got out of the hospital today. I barely knew the boy, as we never really spent much time together. But I surely felt bad for all of his living friends and relatives.
But while I was in the church, all I could feel was a total disconnect with organized religion. My mind wandered all over the place. I looked at pretty women... and had thoughts one should not have at a funeral.... I thought about some issues going on in my own family..... I thought about how I don't fit in when I go to church. I kept thinking, "please let this be over soon." And then the minute I get out of church, it was like a wave of relief.
I grew up in a Catholic family. I spent some years in a Catholic school - about 6, IIRC. I once wanted to be an alter boy.
I think of myself as somewhat spiritual, but not overly so. My personal beliefs are not at all in line with the church's mandates. When I attend church, I feel a sense of hypocrisy within me. ( Of course, I do want to support family and friends ) I never go to church for any reason except to support friends and family.
Then, as we were at the burial, the thought hits me..... As decent a person as I think I am, if there is a heaven, I'm probably not getting there.
Maybe tomorrow, all these thoughts will have disappeared, but today, they hit kind of hard.
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